SCREW PHOTOSHOP!

MS Paint…the medium of true art.

Things I’d rather be doing…

1) laying in my large, comfortable bed with down comforter.  cat(or dog) on legs optional; preferable if below 68 degrees.  also require extra fluffy pillow OR male companion to rest head upon.  companion must not be sweaty and must provide platonic head massage.

2) Sitting at Thomas Beach (grassy area) alongside multiple companions.  Inflatable boom box is present bumping sweet tunes.  Coolers full o beer and/or Wondrous Punch and/or Screwdrivers sit adjacent to my sitting zone.  A slight, giddy buzz is had by all.  Forecast is Sunny, 88 with a gentle breeze, dew point is 30.  Approximately 10 o clock sit a mid sized grouping of extremely good looking male specimens – no females in sight.  We start a rousing game of Frisbee cup and dominate.  Justin Timberlake has joined us as well.

3) Tropical island, poolside with a cabana boy that has the body of David Beckham and is wearing nothing but his underpants (ala current underpants ad campaign), with a voice like John Mayer’s he serenades me.  Although these serenades only happen when he his not serving me adult beverages or giving me massages or just standing there looking hot.

4) lounging on floaty chair in infinity pool located next to 1st base of any warm climate baseball stadium.  mid-afternoon, sunny, and approximately 85 degrees with a few scattered poofy clouds.  “hottest men in baseball” All-Star game is taking place.  hot dog/brat/nacho vendor (with similar looks to cabana boy discussed above) is stationed by the edge of the pool.  in addition to giving us free food, he refreshes our bloody marys and makes sure our beer is staying cold.  when all-star players are not in the field, they do not sit in the dugout but instead join us in the pool.  they assist with re-application of sunscreen and compliment us on how awesome we are.

5)  On a yacht meandering the Mediterranean see.  About to dock seaport in Malta.  Upon arrival, we take in lunch in a seaside cafe complete with fine seafood, adult beverages/spritzers, and the soothing sounds of crashing waves.  Slightly humid, however this only makes are bronzed skin glisten and we have awesomely wavy sea hair.  Our server is a tall, toned, tanned gentleman who landed in Malta but is originally from Spain.  Dark hair, dimples, accent, slight scruff and a deep manly voice. When he reaches to refill our drinks the sweet aroma of musk and sandalwood engulfs the senses.  He finds us witty and charming and as he is about to end his shift, we invite him and his similarly attractive friends sitting at the bar aboard for an afternoon/evening aboard our yacht.  (although before we take a quick trip on the backs of their motobikes to acquire the necessary items for them to have an extended stay…)

6)  Side note: Not sure when these turned it to trashy romance novel stories, but I am intrigued.
We are camping up north (I use the term camping very loosely, we are infact staying at a 4 star resort and spa.  Because It is located in the woods it is considered camping).  Between our relaxing pool side sittings we receive hot Swedish massages by a six and a half foot muscular man with blonde hair and answers to the name of Bjorn.  We decide to go on a nature hike that is all down hill and we get a ride back.  Our guides happen to be three strapping young men that are well versed in the ways of the woods.  They are tall dark and handsome with neatly trimmed 5 o’clock shadows.  As we reach the waters edge, the sun is slowly disappearing over the horizon we are all invited to individual swimming sessions with our respected hotties.  As they shower us with compliments on our hottness, wittiness and sexual prowess we travel back to the spa for late not Asian style massages with happy endings.

* due to above described “topic turn”, trashy fantasies involving men who clearly do not exist anywhere on the planet are now banned.

7) In a five-star test bakery, where the pastry chefs are cooking their finest batches of cookies, donuts, and assorted pastries.  Since it’s a test bakery, they aren’t actually selling any of the items – we’re just helping them by doing taste tests.  In exchange for our excellent judging of all delicious pastries, the chefs provide us with an assortment of Boone’s Farm.

8 )  They’ve just built a new Dave & Buster’s INSIDE Valleyfair.  We are there.  Its grand opening so they’ve decided to have a VIP night exclusive to us, our friends and Jim, Jack, Jose and Jameson.  Everything is complimentary on this night and there are no lines for rides.  Not only can we play awesome video games, visit the waterpark and IMAX and ride rides, we can drink booze, eat corn dogs, mini donuts, cheese curds, chili fries, etc.  (oh, and the food manufacturers have also come up with a way to make all of these fat free/low cal and they don’t taste any differently OR give you E.D.).  Also.  we don’t get fondled or beaten by a group of thugs either.

9) We have figured a way to stow away an live undercover at the Jameson distillery.  I have taken some online courses in nursing to figure out how to drip Jameson directly in to our bloodstreams so we will never have to be sober again.  We spend our nights drinking and pillaging the distillery, and our days in hiding with our Jamie drips and sweet booze induced coma dreams of Jameson flavored licorice, Jameson scented perfumes and Jameson filled mini pools that may or may not contain hot guys in Jameson flavored speedos.  We live here for the rest of our lives or until we drink them clear out of business because of the constant turn-over of their employees whom they expect are stealing the mass amounts of missing booze.

10) Due to our impeccable taste in beer and fine food, MillerCoors has hired us with 6 figure salaries to be their batch testers.  This includes ALL brands, varieties, and seasonals they currently produce, including Blue Moon, Leiney’s, Killian’s, Hamms, SPARKS, Olde English, and Mickeys.  Because of strict insurance policies due to the nature of the job, we are not allowed to walk around the facility and must instead move from tasting to tasting on Segways.  On weekends, we are ‘required’ to partake in detoxifying spa sessions which include gourmet meals, hot stone massages, and fine wines.  We are so busy with work that we have no time to spend our 6 figures, which we instead invest in a five-star Las Vegas casino & hotel.

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