L: she totally is the girl that won’t say penis or dick
K: i don’t think i’ve ever heard her use the word sex, or several people I know for that matter…
L: she’ll call it a wee-wee or something
L: unlike us who find the word sex to mundane
so we need to call it jamboning
K: i think by using childish terminology she finds sleeping with everyone less slutty
i just own it
i realized this weekend that banging might by kinda harsh/crass
L: I like it
K: me too
L: it’s more of a literal term
K: its my euphemism of choice
I used to like “porking”
but that has a bad visual
L: eh…makes me feel fat
I am also enjoyed “bumping uglies”
K: ooh yes
L: not sure why, again bad visual
K: a good one
this sounds like a list opportunity
L: ohhh…good call
Thus we present you…
- Jamboning (of course!)
- Playing the skin flute
- Knockin da boots!
- Ride the Baloney Pony
- And of course F*ck. Can we swear on this thing??
5 least favorite:
- Opening the meat curtains
- Horizontal Mambo
- Doing it
- Hot Beef Injection
- Jambone – Classic
- Bang – Easy to say and remember, even when inebriated.
- Bump Uglies – Doesn’t give the best visual, but me likes none the less.
- Screw – Also useful when you find a screw on the ground and then you can ask “Wanna Screw?” Never get old.
- Throwing a hot dog down a hallway – As long as it’s not in reference to me, it’s hilarious.
- Intercourse – Are we taking pictures for a textbook?
- Raw Dogging – Nasty
- Watch a movie – Generally only used to try and get someone to have sex, but we all know what it really means.
- Make Love – Unless you are in a committed relationship, it’s just downright creepy to say it. And even still, it makes any dude sounds like a total asshat.
- Horizontal Mambo – Just plain ole no.
So i thought this would be hard, hence limiting to 5, but once i got started i couldn’t stop… ::don’t stop til you get enough:: Enjoy.
10 Favorites (in no particular order):
- Banging – classic. to the point. not too crass, not too prude.
- Getting stuffed – (this term is generally used by males, which leads me to think one of two things about said users: 1. they are hung, 2. they have a severely distorted reality. Regardless, the fact the someone would use this allows you to immediately cast judgment on their character – hence my liking.)
- Fornication. – This is the closest I’ll ever get to religion…
- Doing the nasty. – kind of a throwback to the 80’s in my mind
- Hanky Panky/Getting your jollies. – I like the whimsy that is implied.
- Parking the beef bus in tuna town. – I’m sorry, this is funny. And if you don’t think so, go fuck yourself.
- Slap skins – very literal. I like the realistic expectation.
- Beat cheeks – I can appreciate the ASSonance.
- Get it on/ass knockin’/sexual healing – Good songs, good euphemisms
10 Least Favorites (again in no particular order):
- “Sleepover Parties” or “playing doctor” – putting sex in juvenile terms hardly negates that having lots of ‘parties’ makes you no longer a prude. (not that I’m judging on that account; an old lady on Leno once said “if you’re gonna be a whore, be a whore” which I’ve bestowed as my life’s motto.
- Porking – Bad visual. Makes me want breakfast.
- Rawdogging – All implications are just a little too dirty and a little too negative.
- Blasting – Are we going to the moon and playing with super soakers? Because I thought we were just gonna have sex…
- “Throwing a hot dog down a hallway” ’nuff said.
- The Humpty Dance/Nookie/Wild thing – great songs, bad euphemisms
- Horizontal Mambo – cliche. And setting the bar a little too high…
- Poking – you can thank facebook for ruining this one
- Beating – really?
- Doing the deed – is this a chore or something?? wtf?
K: I had a dream the night before last which included you.
Essentially what happened was I was sitting in our living room flipping through some magazines…I believe it was Mademoiselle or Vanity Fair or some shit which was the tip off that this was in fact a dream. So anyway, I’m flipping away, browsing the pictures of celebrities at their celebrity parties and what not and something catches my eye. There is a picture of some famous person cruise shindig or whathaveyou and a few things strike me as odd:
a. This picture is of Angela Lansbury (or perhaps Jessica Fletcher), Blanch Devereaux and Samuel L. Jackson – they seriously hang out??
b. Everyone is extremely dressed up for being on the sun deck of a cruise ship.
and c. Off to the side is you – clearly not famous, hopping into the pic (not even sure if they noticed you), but get this – You’re wearing a bright purple sparkly sequined fucking beret! HA! That was the kicker.
And though this is not completely accurate (ie. blanch is not wearing the gown i envisioned…) this is as close of a picture as I can paint for you of what I saw in my dream. Don’t be intimidated by my excellent cut and paste skills. Enjoy.
K: where do hippos live?
E: in africa?
E: it looks like he has a ballsack on his face.
you made me draw a fucking hippo in ms paint
E: i am impressed with your use of color.
K: Well thank you.
hippos remind me of rainbows
E: is he a jesus hippo?
K: Funny you ask.
or should I say was…
he was supposed to board the ark with his hippo life partner Sal. Sadly, Hal (this hippo), was busy drinking whiskey and ate one too many quaaludes and ended up passing out beneath the steamy waters of the Nile and was left behind to bask in his drunken glory under the beautiful African sunset. If I were Jesus, he’d be my favorite…